How the algorithm teaches us to hate each other – why, and how to resist it

Social media today looks like an endless war between men and women. That kind of content is trending, and it easily convinces us that “all men are awful” or that “all women are impossible”. It's striking how the algorithm serves each of us exactly what confirms our frustrations.

As a woman, I get content that confirms my prejudices about men. My husband sees content that confirms his frustrations with women. Even the comments under the same posts are different, tailored to our gender and perspective. The algorithm works hard to prove us right.

And so each partner ends up in their own bubble of confirmed prejudice.

You can imagine how a couple communicates after months of filling their heads with content that portrays the other side as selfish, manipulative or incompetent. Do they have more patience for each other? Do they respect each other? How easily do they find solutions in a conflict?

For single people it's even worse. Social media gives the impression that men and women don't even like each other any more. Women supposedly “don't need men any more”, “expect too much” and “are unrealistic”. Men, on the other hand, are portrayed as emotionally immature, lazy, or worth something only if they earn a lot of money.

It's true that both sexes today often have unrealistic expectations. But it isn't true that relationships used to be simple and harmonious until modern life ruined them.

In the 17th century, Giulia Tofana sold women a poison they used to get rid of violent and unwanted husbands. When a woman couldn't leave her marriage, for some the poison was the only way out. That story reminds us that relationships between men and women didn't become complicated because of feminism or social media – they have always been complicated.

Feminism didn't come from hatred of men, but from the need for women to have equal rights and the freedom to choose. The problem is that we sometimes swung from one extreme to the other. Women used to be told they couldn't do anything without a man. Today social media often sends the opposite message: that it's best to be without a man, that marriage and family are just a burden for women.

The truth, as always, is far more complex.

Many happy couples I know live very traditionally: the man earns more, the woman does more of the caring for the family. Others try to share finances, housework and family care equally. Neither model in itself guarantees happiness or unhappiness.

What really determines the quality of a relationship is whether there is mutual respect and recognition of the other person's contribution.

When one partner starts to believe that they “do everything” and the other “does nothing”, resentment slowly eats away at the relationship. That applies equally to the financial burden and to housework and emotional labour.

Sharing the load isn't only a question of fairness, but also of sharing risk. When the whole financial or family burden rests on one person, that person becomes vulnerable and overloaded. A partnership should be a place where the load is shared, not a place where one person quietly cracks under it.

Women today have more opportunities than before, and that's good. But as opportunities for women have widened, so has the range of possible success and possible failure – and so has the range of expectations we place on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be successful, beautiful, fulfilled, good mothers, good partners, emotionally stable, productive, ambitious, well-groomed and always smiling. If we fail at any of these roles, we become our own harshest critic. We blame ourselves for not living up to the traditional image of a woman, and at the same time we blame ourselves for not being successful, rich, entrepreneurial or perfectly built enough (for not living up to the modern image of a woman). Honestly, I think men often don't expect as much from us as we expect from ourselves.

That's why talking about expectations is one of the most important skills in a relationship. A lot of resentment comes from unspoken expectations that the other person never even knew they were supposed to meet.

Over time I've chosen my priorities. What matters most to me is harmony in the family, inner peace, time with my child and work I love. I'm not interested in looking like a model or in the idea that I have to become a successful CEO. Out of all the options women have today, I think each of us has to tailor a life that fits her, instead of trying to squeeze into other people's ideals of femininity.

For me, being a woman is neither a limitation nor the main definition of my identity. Sometimes I'm gentle, sometimes harsh, sometimes emotional, sometimes cold. All of that is still me. I feel freest when I stop thinking about how I'm supposed to behave as a woman and simply do what makes sense to me as a person.

That's why I think we need to be very careful about the content we allow to “whisper in our ear” every day. Generalisations, hate towards the opposite sex and constantly proving who is worse do no good to either men or women.

If we want healthy relationships, we have to stop feeding our own bitterness.

It's far more useful to build understanding, talk about expectations and choose content that doesn't turn us into people who see an enemy in their partner instead of an ally.