Resistance, the quiet force that wears me down

I know what I want to do. I even know the next step. I have a vision, an idea, even excitement… and still I stand still. Zero movement. Just heaviness.

Resistance

A quiet, stubborn force that keeps me in place, drains my energy and is invisible from the outside. Even though I'm not doing what I'd like to do, I'm exhausted – because inside I'm constantly fighting not to do it.

Resistance isn't laziness

For me, resistance is often fear. Fear disguised as “it's not the right time yet”, “it's not good enough”, “I still need to sort something out”. Sometimes it shows up as confusion, sometimes as indecision, sometimes as exhaustion and the feeling that “I just can't any more”.

But actually – I can. Something inside me is just holding me back, squeezing, not letting me move on.

I know psychology describes resistance as a defence mechanism. And I can understand that: resistance protects me. From change. From the unknown. From failure. From other people's eyes. From myself.

Still, the price is high

It takes my energy. It takes my trust in my own word. In my own rhythm. In my strength.

I can see that resistance shows up exactly where it would matter for me to move. As if it guards the boundary of my growth – and at the same time tries to stop me from crossing it.

When I notice it, I ask myself: can I take a small step? Not perfect, not clear, not complete. Just the first, clumsy, human one. And can I stay gentle with myself while I do it?

I stayed with that resistance for a few moments, to see it and hear it: to accept and explore it with curiosity. Resistance, why are you here?

Oh, Laura, I know what you want and it's not for you. It'll be awful when they start criticising you – they'll spit on you, they'll trash you, they'll destroy you, they'll laugh at you and they won't want to be your friends. They won't want you. They'll look at you with contempt and think: “What a disgrace, what an idiot, how pathetic.”

Those are strong threats, resistance – thank you for wanting to protect me from that. What could I do so that you're less afraid of other people's criticism? You know, there's a part of me that wants to come out, that wants to say “I'm here too, and this is me, maybe my experience can help you, maybe my story can make things easier for you” – that part of me would also like to be accepted, to be seen.

And what if it isn't? What if people don't want to accept it and everyone finds it lame, cringe, pathetic, stupid, embarrassing? What if that part of you that you love so much is just gross to everyone else? How will you accept it then, how will you love yourself then?

How will I love myself if others criticise me?

Well, yes… if others don't accept you, how will you accept yourself? How will you not feel awful and unloved?

Whatever others say, I know my worth – I feel it deep inside. Even if it doesn't come out in the best way, and even if I make mistakes, I'll learn. That part of me that has never seen the world has to crawl first and then learn to walk – I'll give it time. Dear resistance, I won't force anything. I'll find a small step that feels comfortable for you too, something you won't be afraid of, and only when you're also ready to loosen your grip will we go further. I'm not asking you to disappear; I know you're here and that you're protecting me. Let's go together, step by step. Don't worry, we have friends, they'll help us. We have lots of people who love and accept us, who know us and don't judge us – let's set off on this path together.

However hard it is, resistance tells me I've met an important part of myself, that something is calling me. Maybe resistance doesn't want to stop me; maybe it wants me to take it along on the journey, to accept and respect it, to walk with gentler, more conscious steps. Towards the goal, accepting my resistance.