People-pleasing and healthy selfishness

We've surely all found ourselves, at least once, feeling the need to please others, to be “good”, to do what's expected of us, even when that means neglecting our own needs.

That urge to please can be utterly exhausting and leave us feeling that we're not living our lives the way we'd like.

Why do we do it?

We may wonder why pleasing others matters so much to us. Sometimes we do it out of fear of being rejected or judged.

Doing things that satisfy others gives us a sense of being accepted. But we often do it at our own expense, because we tend to withdraw from our own wishes and needs. In the process we lose authenticity – we become what others want us to be, not who we really are.

Guilt as part of the process

When we decide to set boundaries or do something for ourselves, guilt often shows up. We feel bad because we're not meeting other people's expectations, because we're disappointing those around us. But this is the important moment when guilt turns out to be a normal part of the process. Guilt can actually help us recognise how much we care about others. It's a feeling that reminds us we're not acting selfishly, but that we value the people around us.

That doesn't mean we always have to put their needs before our own. If that happens too often, there comes a moment when we realise we've neglected ourselves, and that isn't sustainable in the long run. When guilt appears, it can be a signal that we're facing our boundaries and need to start thinking about our own needs.

Healthy selfishness

Healthy selfishness isn't the same as egoism. Selfishness in this sense means having the courage to set boundaries and say “no” when that's necessary for our emotional health. It also means accepting that sometimes we may disappoint people – and that's okay. These decisions aren't easy, but it's important to understand that they don't make us bad people or egoists.

Healthy selfishness means putting ourselves first when we really need to. It means acknowledging our wishes and needs and allowing ourselves to grow, work on ourselves and be authentic – without fear of being rejected for it.

When should we compromise, and when not?

In relationships – with friends, partners or family – compromises are often necessary. But whenever we feel exhausted or overloaded by compromise, it's a sign that we should re-examine our boundaries. Setting a boundary means choosing ourselves, even if that means disappointing others. But if we feel that a compromise leads us towards emotional balance, then it's fine to be open to it.

It's a process of finding balance, in which we can respect our own needs and still be present for the people we love.